Every day for 18 years she has greeted me at the door every time I came home and every day for 18 years was there to say goodbye. She helped me through so many life changes, from my early years of university, to broken hearts over boyfriends, to pursuing new dreams while letting go of some old ones, she was always there with her unconditional love and sand-paper tongue kisses (gotta love 'em!). She always reminded me of what was important in life especially when I realized that I was her world and the reason she had so much love to give. From the crazy, rambunctious kitten who always made us laugh to the wise old soul who decided the ugliest chair in the house was going to be her favourite, she has brought so much joy to our lives.
Once again my heart is swollen but this time from sadness and pain. I've heard that knowing it's coming makes it a bit easier but it doesn't. During her last few days I kept telling her it was okay to go but she was so brave and strong and held on until she knew I was truly ready. Her last 24 hours we never left her side and I shared some of my most special moments with her during that time. As I laid with her in her last hour at home she reached out her paw and laid it in my hand for the full hour, never moving it except to tighten her claws ever so slightly every time I spoke to her, or when she just needed to make sure I was still there with my hand out for her to hold as we said our goodbyes.
For 18 years I have fed her, cared for her, made sure she was comfortable and happy and it kills me inside that I can no longer do that for her. I don't know when my habits of wanting to check in on her or to say goodbye as I leave the house will start to fade, or if I ever really want them to, but I know for sure that my memories never will. I have been so blessed by this beautiful soul who came into my life for so many reasons and as I find the strength to move on I know that she is at peace, as the sun shone warm and bright on a day that was supposed to be snowy and cold. For years I complained about the ugly, old chair but never had the heart to get rid of it. That chair still sits in my office where it's always been and probably will for a while.
